Editorial: The SimCity Rap – A Crime Against Rhyme

This week, Split Screen takes a quirky look at SimCity’s troubled launch. Sean Knight and Aenne Schumann lash out lyrics in P2R’s first rap battle

This is a battle unlike any other. A battle where normal weapons of war will not suffice. Cruisers, submarines, fighter jets, tanks, machine guns, pistols, swords, and even the kitchen sink will not be enough.

A battle concerning SimCity.

A rap battle between Aenne Schumann and Sean Knight!

DJ! Drop the beat!

Aenne:
Well, well, well, here we are.
The great Sean D Knight has graced us from afar.
He thinks he can battle a master.
But he spits rhymes like an epic disaster.
Insults aside,
He still has his pride,
And he wants to tell us a little ditty,
About a game called SimCity.

Sean:
We shall see,
Who will be,
The rap master of SimCity.
Aenne wants to say,
But she has no way,
To talk about the game she cannot play.
It’s always-on,
And that’s the prob,
As if Maxis pulled the perfect con.
So here we are,
We’ve begun to spar,
On a game that is a disaster!

Aenne:
All the haters be hatin’,
And Sean says they’ll be waitin’,
Expect the lines to be night long
But he lies; he couldn’t be more wrong!
With ease, I downloaded my copy.
Starting playing, mind blown like I was a zombie.
No bugs, no hassles, no problems.
Those complaining are all uncouth hoodlums.
SimCity has been nothing but addiction.
Sean’s words are talking contradictions.

Sean:
Things you say,
They are not true,
Features taken away like Cheetah mode.
You’ve bought a game,
With features gone,
Wasting all of your Simoleons.
But I’ll stop there,
Won’t talk no more,
Except about a game called SimCity 4.
With single-player,
No DRM,
That also had mod supporting.
And larger maps,
Saved on hard drive,
While your saves lost in cloudy skies.

Aenne:
Listen, I’m the new mayor in town,
And I’m building cities until way past sundown.
Building commercial, residential, industrial too.
I don’t need EA to come to my rescue.
When I’m the boss, my sims work hard,
Fighting fires, saving lives, putting junk in the junkyard.
Not even the natural disasters got me scared.
A zombie apocalypse? I’m hella prepared.
How can you say that Simcity is going downhill?
When I’ve been kickin’ it wit my friends in Bacon-and-Eggsville.
Always-on DRM is working fine.
It’s time you grew up and forgot how to whine.

Sean:
It’s not a joke,
That the game is broke,
Making players so angry that they’ll have a stroke.
And you’ll be rambling,
When no one’s gambling,
Since your Sims will forget how to shamble in.
So are you blind,
Cause the game’s design,
Acts like it was built by Frankenstein
There are bugs galore,
And the glitches soar,
It’s got more problems than a street-hugging whore!

Aenne:
Yeh, Yeh, Yeh, you’ve said your piece,
And you think SimCity should cease.
But I’m not going to stop anytime soon.
I’ll probably be playing this game in late June.
I keep logging in like Neo from the Matrix.
Watch out for SimCity’s rebirth,
Rising from the ashes, as a beautiful phoenix.
Your negativity hasn’t swayed the crowd.
You’re lucky I even let four stanzas be allowed.
So why don’t you sit down, and shut up.
Put SimCity in your PC and let it boot right up.
You may complain, you may groan.
But through this rap you’ve been dethroned.

Sean:
Well now I’m out,
So get on board,
As I play a game called Tropico 4.
It’s paradise,
I’ll bring to life,
Which won’t have that DRM tripe.
Now some I’ll arrest,
And others I’ll shoot,
As I build the greatest city to boot.
So starting today,
It’s all I’ll play,
Tropico’s the best, I’m EL PRESIDENTE!

Author’s Note: This was published March 13, 2013 for Press2Reset.com

It was a lot of fun to do though I did not want to do an audio version of this. The main reason is that I don’t have a great voice. Second, I can’t rap. Third, I didn’t think we could come up with a beat that would fit the two styles here. While I did write my side to a beat, I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t have worked if Aenne tried to read her lines to the beat I used. Despite that, and the bad lyrics on my part, I am really glad that I was able to recover this editorial.

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