I doubt there is a single man, woman, or child who hasn’t felt the sting of shame at some point in their life. Shame about what? That depends on the person, their beliefs, and values. I have always tried to hold myself to certain standards throughout my life and modified them along the way while sticking true to the core of what I believe in. Today, I violated one of those core tenets and didn’t realize I had done it until a minute after it was done. When I realized what I had done, it left me ashamed and with a bitter taste in my mouth.
The concept of chivalry is one such belief I have held onto my entire life. Being honorable, courteous, kind, and courageous with a sense of justice are traits that all men should aspire to have. You don’t have to be an ideal knight to adhere to these traits. While I always loved the concept of the knight, and was especially enamored with the ideals of Arthur and his knights, a knight, I am not. A good person, I never considered myself to be. Though I try my best to be one.
Yet, there is another aspect to being chivalrous that, in my youth, I followed wholeheartedly. The ideal to help the weak. Especially being kind, courteous, and unselfish to women in particular. After all, I never would never want to fight or abuse someone who is weaker than me; male or female. Having had to fight those larger and stronger than me strengthened this particular belief. To the point that I will never hesitate to fight someone bigger than me, but will go out of my way to avoid a conflict with someone who is not on par with me physically. Yet, to make sure I stand up for those people when the bullies would come for them.
Over the years, I started to modify this ideology for how the modern world had changed. More specifically, modern women. Women who shout that they are strong and independent. Of what? Of men. That they don’t need men for anything. Not for help, protection, or even safety. I witnessed the concept of feminism morph into this bitter, angry, and hateful concept.
So I, and many other men like me, adopted along with this new form of feminism. Where chivalry was once for the weak and ALL women; now it was conditional. For myself, I would still go out of my way to help the weak and elderly should they need it. But for women, in general, it was now conditional. I would be chivalrous to only certain kinds of women. For female relatives, there was no doubt that I would help and protect them no matter the situation. They are family and that is the role of men in the family structure. To put themselves at risk for the safety of the women.
As men, we are supposed to be in charge of the family unit. To be the leaders. But it comes at a cost. The cost being that our lives are expendable for the women in the family. That we work ourselves to death so that they don’t have to work or work as hard. That, in times of peril, we sacrifice ourselves so that they are safe. That we risk damage to our bodies so that they don’t have to. It’s a trade that men throughout history have never hesitated to take on.
So aside from family members, what other women would I be chivalrous to? Women that go to my church and female co-workers will get a certain degree of chivalry. Yet, even then, it is conditional on their character or my perceived view of their character. Highly judgmental of me? Absolutely. But do I have that right? Undeniably so. The average woman walking down the street I don’t even bother to hold the door for her anymore. Unless it is a mother pushing a carriage or carrying a baby, or with some discernible kind of injury, then I would do such a thing.
But as the years wore on, I started noticing the meanness and anger of a majority of modern women. There was no longer any “thank you’s,” nod of thanks, or any simple form of acknowledgement. Now such a simple gesture was met with scorn, disdain, or even a vocal dressing down. Many are the stories I could tell of myself or friends of mine who were yelled at for simply opening a door for a woman.
With this understanding, my approach to chivalry changed. Was it a drastic change? I could say no, but I would be lying. It is a drastic change and an almost-universal one as, more and more, I hear modern women complain that there are hardly any chivalrous men. To that, I must say, there are. Just not to you.
So how did I change? Gone was the urge to immediately offer my assistance to a woman struggling to carry something. Gone was the courtesy of opening up a door and allowing a woman to go ahead of me. Gone the urge to protect her if she was in trouble unless it was something truly life-threatening. What I would have done without hesitation was no longer a thing. If a woman asked for my help, then I would help. But no longer would I volunteer my services for someone who wasn’t a family member, girlfriend, or spouse.
Now, men will still go out of their way to be chivalrous if the modern woman is also a lady. What makes a woman a lady and worth the effort of being chivalrous to? That is a question which needs to be answered some other time.
For I have spent long enough rambling to set up the point of this entire post.
So going on four months now, I have been in Florida helping a female family member who suffered a stroke that left the entire right side of her body paralyzed and unable to talk. Since her release from the hospital, I have been driving or escorting her to doctor appointments, therapy sessions, and helping with everything around the house so that they can focus on recovering. I’m there for her to lean on when she needs physical support, to carry her things, to help her with therapy whenever she wants to do it at home, and to catch her if she loses her balance.
Well, today was another day where I escorted this family member to the hospital for her therapy sessions. Which meant I would be spending around five hours there. So her therapy sessions were over and we were waiting outside for the taxi to pick us up and take us back to the house. Well, a car pulls up and I assume it is our ride because it was long overdue. So I go over to the vehicle to see if this is so but the driver gives us someone else’s name.
The person the driver is there to pick up is another stroke survivor who we see every now and then when we go to the hospital. As she speaks up to grab my attention and let me know that the ride is for her, I turn towards her smile, wave, said “I’m sorry my mistake” and walk away from the car while she slowly walks to the car with a halting gait because she is still recovering from her stroke.
It didn’t occur to me until the car started driving away.
I
Did
Not
Open
The
Door
For
Her.
It is one thing if she was a healthy person. But this was a person who was still recovering from a stroke. A person who was still having trouble walking and using her hand (just like the family member I was helping). That alone was enough to make me feel ashamed. Doubly ashamed because it was a woman. Even more ashamed because I was right next to the car and I could have just waited for her to walk to it and open the door for her without any inconvenience to myself.
But I didn’t do it. Instead, I trained myself to ignore the urge to open the door for any woman to the point that I didn’t open it for someone who, in that moment, definitely would have benefitted from that small, courteous gesture that was once done without a single thought. That, in this particular moment, I wasn’t a civil, courteous human being. In the wake of my negligence, I felt more like a vindictive, mean person who spited someone weaker than me.
It was not done purposefully, consciously, or with malice aforethought. But the injury was done and I am the offender.
All I can think about is, what if this was my family member in the same situation? I would expect someone to help her.
For this I feel great shame. And there is no one to blame but myself. I just hope that I will see her again sometime this week as I escort my family member to the hospital for her ongoing therapy sessions. Because I need to apologize to her for my callous behavior.
I still hold to the belief that chivalry is now a conditional thing. But I fear that I have overcorrected this ideal so that I violated a core tenet of what I have adhered to my entire life. In telling this embarrassing and shameful act, I hope it serves as an example to men who are jaded and disenfranchised by feminism and modern women in that, no matter how bad things are, there should still be a burden of performance on our end for those who truly need that kindness and protection.
That there are still those who deserve such acts without hesitation.
Chivalry is not dead. But it is conditional. So we must still adhere to the cores of what it means to be chivalrous.