Los Santos Rag – The Paleto Punisher Serial Killer Terrorizes Paleto Bay, Police Baffled And Ineffective

Paleto Bay’s peace and quiet was shattered early afternoon on July 11th by the constant sirens and whirling blades of police helicopters as a serial killer, called the Paleto Punisher, has been stalking local residents; shooting or stabbing his victims. 

The grim body count has climbed to 14 victims as cops played a cat-and-mouse game with the serial killer, presumed to be Mister Kebun, aka Mister K, leader of Chang Gang. Mister K became a prime suspect when he posted, “Slacks is a murderer” on social media platform Twatter, accusing Sergeant-Detective Leonardo Slacks of the Blaine County Sheriff’s Office. 

“It’s the Paleto Pervert, not the Paleto Punisher,” said BCSO Sheriff Jeffrey Bones when asked for comment about the situation transpiring within his jurisdiction. 

Surviving victims said that their assailant uttered the phrase “It’s always a beautiful day in Paleto” just before being shot or stabbed. Several of the victims were stabbed by other victims, who were held at gunpoint, before the Paleto Punisher shot them in turn. 

Both BCSO and Los Santos Police Department (LSPD) officers have mobilized a joint task force utilizing check points, regular patrols, and helicopters to stop the serial killer from moving in and out of Paleto. However, it wasn’t until several hours into the killing spree, that cops finally discovered how the Paleto Punisher had been avoiding them: by driving a small, one-man yellow submarine. A number of car chases then followed after the submarine was discovered which ended in the alleged serial killer escaping police. 

Anonymous sources surmise that the initial tweet accusing Slacks of murder is in reference to recently-deceased Justin DeMarco, former member of the gang C4, who was a key witness in a corruption case against Mayor Maximillian Thoroughbred and his wife Chief of Staff Siobhan Thoroughbred. DeMarco’s testimony claimed that the Mayor and Chief of Staff were also members of C4 and that Siobhan supplied the gang with equipment and information regarding the Police.

According to the autopsy report, Justin DeMarco died from vehicular homicide shortly after the PD withdrew its protection of DeMarco.

Both the LSPD and Sheriff’s Office have not provided any details about the case and no arrests have been made in relation to the attacks.

The Paleto Punisher remains at large.

Update: The number of victims has reached 15 shortly after the posting of this article.

Author’s Note: Los Santos Rag is parody news based on events transpiring on NoPixel, a GTA Roleplay server. Not to be taken seriously!

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